Why do people say what they say?

Alright folks, I've gotta start posting more frequently and regularly. These gaps are as irritating to me as they are to you (if you are even paying attention by now :^O)

I've gotta say that I loved rockin' the Afro puffs the other day! I got lots of compliments, and a couple weird looks. But it was all good, I knew not everyone would be a fan, but *dammit!* I was too fierce with it! The only thing that I didn't care for was how frizzy my hair got at the part in the middle. Anyone got any tips for this?


"You are too cute for natural hair."

This comment was made to me by someone close. I must admit that this was the first time that someone said something about my hair that had me speechless. I mean, I have had some friends joke with me, playfully, about my nappiness, and I knew it was in good sport. But this statement stirred something deep within me.

I was talking to this person, and the conversation turned to hair. She nonchalantly said, "So when are you going to get a wrap or something?". A wrap is a hairstyle that is achieved by using a setting lotion on relaxed hair and then combing it in a "circle". Once the hair has dried, it lays over the shoulders quite easily. I had figured out that this person didn't really care for my decision to not relax, but she had never mentioned it to me. I responded, "In order for me to get a wrap I would have to relax my hair, and I'm never relaxing my hair again,". I could see her disdain for my response so clearly on her face. This is a person who regularly relaxes and colors her hair. And I have no problem with her decision. Sometimes, when I notice hair thinning around her temples or her receding hairline, I want to just openly talk about the damage that is being done. But she's been wearing her hair like this for years, and I know my suggestions would fall upon deaf ears.

The conversation continues. "I just don't understand why you want to wear your hair like that. It makes you look so old. Your face started looking bigger after you started wearing your hair like that. You are just too cute for natural hair,". By this time, my feelings are hurt. I knew that I would face some adversity being natural and all, but this was the first time that someone actually insulted me while commenting on my hair. And, again, it's coming from someone who I consider (considered?) to be close to me. I was determined to not let it show. I responded, "I like my hair the way it grows, and I chose to stop damaging it. I'm not going to change it for anyone but myself.". She replied, "Well, I don't like it at all." By this time, I wanted to change the subject, so I said, "I'm sorry.". I know I shouldn't have apologized, when she was the one being ignorant. What I really wanted to say was, "I'm sorry that you aren't comfortable with yourself and the way you look."

For someone to tell me that I am too "cute" for natural hair is for them to tell me that they are insecure themselves. I realized that the reason that I was relaxing my hair was because I was ashamed of what my hair looked like. I was ashamed to have nappy hair. I was ashamed to show my roots, physically and ethnically. But once I let go of the chemicals, I began to let go of my own hangups about my hair. They really weren't my own. All I know is that when I was younger, I was made fun of and rejected because I was different. I went to primarily white schools, and I was an outcast. I wasn't quite white and I wasn't quite black. My hair wasn't straight, and it had grease in it. Once my white classmates figured out that my hair was always oily and wasn't washed everyday, they assumed that I had lice or cooties or whatever. This was one of many walls that was put up between myself and them. But I'll get into that another day. The point I'm trying to make is, at an early age, I began to hate my hair. I hated the way it smelled from the lack of washings, hated how much it hurt to just brush and comb it, hated how it stood straight up instead of "cas-ca-da-dading" down my back (Whoopi Goldberg, Spook Show, "The Little Girl with Blonde Hair"). This woman probably hated her hair when she started relaxing, just like I did. I can imagine that there was pressure from her family and community to straighten her hair. And, given that she is much older than I am, it is probably impossible for her to imagine a life without straight hair.

But what does it mean to be "too cute" for natural hair? Are only dark-skinned, unattractive people supposed to wear their hair naturally? Am I supposed to have more African characteristics before I can stop damaging my hair? (I am not at all insinuating that Africans are unattractive.) Um. No. I think it is perfectly possible to be beautiful and have natural hair. As a matter of fact, I haven't ever felt more beautiful in my life. With no more scalp scabs, burnt hairlines, dandruff, split ends, and growing hair, I'd say I'm on top of my game.

What she said hurt me, yes. But now I realized that it is she who is really hurting inside.

Thanks for reading my blog.